The Daily Show: Driving in Saudi Arabia
by VickyFromGreece
Summary: Forget the errors and enjoy the irony. Because people should be free to sit in every seat of the bus they want. Because lawmakers don't realize that we will never stop looking at the stars.


A/N: English is not my native language. I know about microchimerism but I didn't know that the selection method of drawing straws is called "to draw straws". Spockside told me that. Thank you Spockside and the rest of my WA friends.

I'd also like to express my gratitude to Bergamotte for her kind offer to edit this small story and for her supportive words. And for sharing with me her wisdom. Of course all remaining mistakes are mine.

.

The Daily Show: Driving in Saudi Arabia

.

(Audience applause.)

Jon Stewart: Good evening, everybody! Welcome to the Daily Show; I am your host, Jon Stewart.

Education, dear friends, is truly a miraculous thing. Because it can help us discover new things. It keeps us humble with the knowledge that however well we _think_ we perceive the world that surrounds us, there'll always be some new finding or the first sight of an undiscovered country, that'll leave us amazed. The Human body, the wrath of nature, or even the extent of Human _stupidity_ … to name but a few.

So, without any further delay, here are tonight's topics:

Is Vulcan bonding a reality between Human mothers and their children? It's called microchimerism, ladies and gentlemen, or how a handful of fetal cells lodge in mom's body for years or even decades! What is their mysterious role? Dr. Gylos is in the studio with some _inside_ information.

With him the good ol' doctor will carry one of the four existing prototypes of a medical tricorder; a hand-held medical scanner that can take readings from a patient and diagnose a set of 18 conditions, including diseases as varied as pneumonia, diabetes and sleep apnoea.

Fox news or hoax news? A new study reveals the oxymoron of viewers who hear more and learn less.

Following the success of "Sharknado 3: Viva Las Vega-sharks", which took place in Las Vegas, and "Sharknado 4: Deep Sharkcago Sea," that took place in Chicago! The fifth movie of the hit movie franchise takes us to the steaming waters of politics.

The moment everybody's waiting for, "Sharknado 5" arrives this weekend, ladies and gentlemen! Featuring sharks in packs, "Washarkngton, DC", takes place in Washington. When sharks enter the political arena, this time it is US Congress that faces an unstoppable force of nature! We'll see who gives … the roughest bite. But first I'd like to welcome our special correspondent in Saudi Arabia, Stephen Colbert. Stephen.

Stephen Colbert: Good evening, Jon.

Jon Stewart: So, Stephen. What really happened down there? It's in the news all over the world. A citizen broke the law and will be punished by … let me read this from my notes, to make sure I get this right, "eight months in prison and 150 lashes"! It sounds unbelievable that one of our closest allies applies physical punishment of this type. What was the charge? Espionage? Terrorism? What law did that person break that deserves this kind of … corporal punishment?

Stephen Colbert: I'm afraid the crime was much worse than that, Jon. Much, much worse.

Jon Stewart: Worse than terrorism? My God, what could be worse that taking away lives of innocent people?

Stephen Colbert: I'm afraid we are not talking about a _person_, Jon. This kind of rebellious criminal is below that. People who break the law in such a vulgar, unethical manner do not deserve to be called _people_. There is one word for them: lowlifes.

Jon Stewart: But what did he do?

SC: _He_? No, no, no, Jon. That criminal, that pathetic lowlife is not a man. She's a woman.

JS: What, she was one of these black widows or something, who carry explosives under their clothes?

SC: If only that was the case, Jon. If only … But it's not. She actually – get this – drove a car.

JS: Err… WHAT?!

SC: You heard me, Jon. I spoke loud and clear. That criminal actually dared to break the law by sitting in the driver's seat, starting the engine and driving downtown. Of course she was arrested. The police here mean business, if you catch my meaning.

JS: Stephen… emmm… is … driving illegal in Saudi Arabia?

SC: Of course not, Jon. People who have the necessary skills are not only allowed but encouraged to learn how to drive.

JS: But– but–

SC: She broke the law, Jon. And she will be punished, just as the law states in such unspeakable crimes.

JS: But, Stephen, who gets to define who has these "necessary skills"?

SC: It is the law, Jon. Once again – she broke the law. Well, not the written law. It's more like… an unwritten law.

JS: I think I'm getting confused here. Let me repeat this. She was arrested, sentenced to 150 lashes and eight months in prison for breaking a law that doesn't exist?!

SC: And resisting arrest, Jon.

JS: But why was she arrested in the first place? You just now said there's no such law!

SC: Jon, she didn't have a driver's license.

JS: Are you saying she will be flogged for driving without a license?! Why didn't she simply get one?

SC: Because women are not given driving licenses in this country, Jon.

JS: So they are not allowed to drive? At all? What about emergency situations? What happens when people, children's lives are at risk?

SC: Jon. I've lived in this country for … (looks at his watch) thirty four hours straight. And based on my vast experience, I can tell you this. There are no excuses for breaking the law. Written or not.

JS: So … a woman was arrested and will be punished by the authorities, for breaking a law that doesn't exist. That's … I can't even describe how that sounds.

You know Stephen the word _logic_ originates from the Greek word _logos_. It means speech, word, reason. It even means divine – this is how important _logic_ is. For example, you can say "the sun is blue", but that's illogical because the sun is not blue, it's yellow. Now, this may sound simple but it actually is very important. Logic is the cornerstone of our civilization.

Hey, I just realized how unbelievable that story, that punishment sounds! It doesn't make sense! It's completely illogical! Anyway, what did she say? Why did she do it?

SC: (snorts) The same old pathetic excuse, Jon. She was driving her diabetic father to hospital. When will people learn that obeying the law is far more important than any Human life?

JS: But … Stephen. The law exists to protect people … to improve their lives … their well-being. To make the world we live in a better place. The law exists to serve people, not the other way around… Err … what was I saying? Oh, yes. What happened to her father? Is he okay?

SC: Who cares? The officers did their duty by arresting _her_. Although, now that I'm thinking of it …

JS: Yes?

SC: Maybe _he_ should be arrested too. After all _he_ was the reason _she_ broke the law.

JS: Stephen … wait a minute. Wait. You and I have known each other for like … twenty years, right?

SC: Well, more or less, yeah.

JS: And I know how hard _you_ work. And you know how hard _I_ work.

SC: We are both hard working men, Jon.

JS: Correction: we're hard working _family_ men. We're not working nine to five. I get to see my family every weekend and sometimes just for a few hours. I mean by the time I return home every day my kids are asleep.

SC: Same here, Jon.

JS: Our wives handle our entire household. Apart from their jobs, they go to schools, feed our children, keep their shots up to date, remember birthdays, anniversaries, make sure there's food on the table…

SC: Prepare our lunch…

JS: Lunch?! … Seriously? You get lunch?

SC: And sometimes even dinner … with _dessert_.

JS: Why you dirty rascal. (Laughs)

SC: What can I say, Jon? I'm a happy man. (Smiles)

JS: No, no, you are right, dessert is nice ... But! But, my point here is that you and I would drive through hell to take our family to the hospital for any emergency. And I wouldn't know what to do if my wife wasn't allowed to drive. I can't leave my family in the hands of an _unknown_ driver, no matter what the law says. Nobody can.

SC: But Jon, in Saudi Arabia, women are allowed to ride camels and donkeys. And it is widely known that in the Bedouin areas, women drive around, without any problem. The Bedouins are far away from any sort of control. Anybody who wants to, can take their family, go outside the city and drive there. It is _inside_ the cities, where that unwritten law exists.

JS: So, we are talking about an unwritten law that exists only in certain areas of the country – of course you _do_ realize that's the definition of anarchy – and can get you arrested. Meanwhile, women can ride an animal, but they can not operate a vehicle.

SC: That's right.

JS: I would pay good money to see my wife on a horse. She… errr… she's afraid of heights. Heh-heh-heh-heh! (Evil laugh)

SC: A horse? Oh, no, no, Jon. You misunderstood. Women ride camels and donkeys. _Only_ camels and donkeys. Not horses.

JS: You– you're joking, right? But… but… horse or donkey, what's the difference?! Oh, lord! Is it some sort of macho status symbol, or something?

SC: Well, Jon. As always, we have done a very thorough 34-hour investigation and we are pleased to provide a perfectly logical explanation for this unwritten law that flogs women and sends them to jail.

JS: Oh, this is going to be good. I am all ears.

SC: Jon, I want you to think. What _is_ the biggest difference between men and women?

JS: That's easy. Women give birth.

SC: No.

JS: Ummm… let me see. They … outlive us?

SC: Nope.

JS: We … get prostate cancer.

SC: Nooo.

JS: Ummm… Oh, God, does it have to do with their menstrual …

SC: No, no, no.

JS: Errr … Biggest difference … Biggest difference …

SC: Poor, simple minded Jon. Here, I am practically giving it to you on a plate. It relates to: driving.

JS: Stephen, I'm pretty sure my wife drives her car exactly like me.

SC: Well, Jon, turns out, driving in this country _is_ different.

JS: Stephen, in every country all over the world, people use their hands, feet and brain to drive. Cars are designed that way. How driving is different in Saudi Arabia?

SC: Before answer to this question, Jon, I'd like to inform you that our result is based on two facts. I repeat _facts_. That means they are undeniable.

First fact is that lawmakers in this country – just like in every country all over the world – take one thing into consideration when making a law: public's best interest.

JS: Yea, right … Something about North Korea comes to mind, but go ahead.

SC: Our second fact is a medical study published recently on local news media.

Therefore, Jon, we used our undisputed logic and came up with the only logical answer to that question. The biggest difference between men and women is that, unlike men, women have their genitals _inside_ their bodies.

JS: … So?

SC: That means that women are not allowed to drive, because in this country people don't use their hands, feet or brain to drive. They use, and you have guessed correctly, their genitals.

JS: W-what?!

SC: And since women have their genitals _inside_ their body, instead of out–

JS: Say what?!

SC: Jon, it is the only logical explanation. According to that medical study published recently, when people in Saudi Arabia drive, they push their pelvis upward. That is why women here are not qualified to drive. They simply don't have the necessary tools.

JS: Stephen, this is insane! Our reproductive system doesn't relate to driving whatsoever!

SC: But it's the only thing that makes sense, Jon. Can you think of any other reason why lawmakers in this country forbid women to drive? It's not because they don't _want_ women to drive, but because women _cannot_.

Once again – let me repeat this because it's very important – people who make these decisions only take the citizens best interest into consideration. _Citizens_ as in people who live in _cities_. Therefore, who cares what happens outside the city limits? Women there can drive freely. They can use their hands, feet, eyes, they can even pray or sing while they drive. Although, do you know how dangerous it is driving and listening to music?

JS: Stephen, did you get sunstroke or something? Are you listening to yourself?

SC: Now, Jon, calm down. There are more results from that medical research.

JS: That sounds scary … Do I wanna hear them?

SC: Well it's not _our_ research. Everything I'm telling you is based on Saudi Arabian medical studies. Now, these studies showed women who drive cars can cause damage to their ovaries and pelvises and that they are at risk of having children born with "clinical problems."

JS: Hold on. Let me … let me close my gaping jaw...

Stephen Tyrone Colbert, are you telling me that the entire planet's population needs to have their children examined because a Saudi Arabia research claims that women's driving causes children to be born with "clinical problems"?!

SC: And also that driving can have a negative physiological impact on women. That's number three on the list of their results.

JS: Yea, cause driving one's child to school can be such an appalling, horrifying, traumatic experience. I mean, who doesn't freak out at the sight of a school bus?

Is this real or are you making fun of us?

SC: It is real, Jon. The scientific medical research was published recently on local news media.

JS: Oh, really? By what institution? Imam University? (Frustrated, hits papers on desk.) For crying out loud! What's wrong with women driving cars?!

SC: But… but what can be done, Jon? It's tradition.

JS: Sounds more like another form of legitimized slavery to me. Let me remind our viewers that the ministry of interior there controls the names parents give to their children. What can I say? … In this case, I am almost glad the woman wasn't executed for driving her father to the hospital.

SC: Now, Jon, you exaggerate. It isn't like she chose to change religion or marry outside her faith. This isn't Sudan ... I think … Hmmm … Let me think about that for a moment … Hmmm … Change religion …

JS: (Mumbles something.)

SC: What are you mumbling?

JS: Oh, something about liberty and justice for _all_. Not important I guess. I'm just glad _my_ daughter one day will be able to drive her children to school or me and her mother to the hospital.

SC: Jon– Oh, wait a minute, please. Sorry. My wife just texted me. (Reads message from phone.) Oh, shoot.

JS: What did she say? Is everything okay?

SC: Looks like she was watching the show ... There will be no _dessert_ tonight. Damn!

JS: Ouch. Sorry, man. That's got to hurt.

SC: Okay, you know what? I've had enough! Not only have you sent me here to do this ridiculous story about this poor girl, now I don't even get _dessert_! That's it! This charade stops now! Why do I always get such stories and Steve got the Las Vegas Sharknado?

JS: Oh, come on, Stephen! It's been three years. Let it go. When will you stop complaining about this?

SC: That story was mine! I wanted to interview those topless Las Vegas chorus girls!

JS: _Everybody_ wanted to interview those topless Las Vegas chorus girls! We drew straws. Steve won. Deal with it!

SC: He cheated!

JS: Now, Stephen, be fair. This was never proven.

SC: I hate you, Jon, I hate you! I hate Steve for stealing my interview and I hate you for sending me here! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to end this story, gather what's left of my pride, and leave to buy some flowers and chocolate.

JS: Stephen, Stephen, hold on – wait. I've been in this situation myself ... a couple of times. Are you buying _only_ flowers and chocolate?

SC: Hmmm ... You are right. Better make that jewelry ... Hey, why is the camera still on? Jon, don't you have other topics for tonight? Like medical tricorders or ... shark rain?

JS: Know what, Stephen? You are absolutely right!

Ladies and gentlemen! Our special correspondent from Washington, Jon Oliver is next with a fascinating story. In Washington it's raining _sharks_, ladies and gentlemen, and all we can say is: hallelujah!

The End.

* * *

A/N: Mr. Jon Oliver, Mr. Stephen Colbert and Mr. Steve Carell have worked for years in "The Daily Show" with Mr. Jon Stewart. Nowadays Mr. Oliver and Mr. Colbert have their own TV shows, while Mr. Carell is a well known Hollywood actor.

With all respect to the memory of George Washington, whose name I was sorry to "modify" for the story's needs.

It is sad but lawmakers often forget that the pursuit of happiness is _aenaos_, a Greek word meaning perpetual.

Sharknado 3, 4 and 5 exist only in my imagination. The rest of the story is based on real life news and my personal belief that reality sometimes is so cruel, we are obliged to laugh in its face.

Your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcome.


End file.
